


it should have been me

by emilia_kaisa



Series: advent challenge 2019 [4]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M, Not Beta Read, One-Sided Attraction, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21669535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: He was restless, his body trembling, fingers curling, his mind showing him pictures and thoughts he was trying so hard to keep at bay during the day, but at night, oh then he couldn't control himself, his facade dropping, leaving him vulnerable and bare, letting every suppressed feeling crash inside of him.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: advent challenge 2019 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559338
Comments: 7
Kudos: 15





	it should have been me

**Author's Note:**

> Fourth fic of the advent challenge! Hope you enjoy this lil angsty piece!  
> Song: 'Distraction' by Jaymes Young

Everything felt unbearable.

Yuzuru's skin was crawling, sheets too soft, too silky, wrong against his oversensitive body. He kicked them aside, annoyed, and kept on staring at the ceiling, where a few dots of streetlights were dancing in the shadows, finding their way through the tiny cracks in between the curtains.

Yuzuru looked at them, feeling his heart getting heavier and heavier, senses sharper with every second, and his throat was tighter with every second, eyes going dry as he kept them open stubbornly until they started burning, matching the sensation igniting in his chest and slowly spreading to every cell of his body.

He was restless, his body trembling, fingers curling, his mind showing him pictures and thoughts he was trying so hard to keep at bay during the day, but at night, oh then he couldn't control himself, his facade dropping, leaving him vulnerable and bare, letting every suppressed feeling crash inside of him.

_ I can't get these images out of my head _

_ I've been waking up in cold sweat _

_ Horror in the middle of my bed _

_ These nightmares come and go _

_ I want you to know _

_ It should have been me _

Yuzuru shivered, suddenly feeling chilly, his exposed skin covering with goosebumps, so he reached for the blanket he had previously put aside, grabbing the hem with stiff fingers, covering himself clumsily.

He took a deep breath. Let it out. His lungs burned.

It had been one of those days, when everything reminded him of Javi, setting that hot, pulsing ache in the pit of his stomach. During those days it almost felt like he had never left, and Yuzuru was half- expecting to see him, sliding on the other side of the rink, smiling as their eyes met.

Sweet, caring, blind Javi, who had not a single idea what he was doing to Yuzuru with his bright smiles and big hands that were lingering on Yuzuru’s body just a little bit too long, but it was never enough, never. Yuzuru craved more than simple, friendly gestures Javi would share with everyone he was fond of, and he wanted more than stolen glances in locker rooms, eyes fixed on Javi’s back, legs, strong line of his shoulders. 

But his feelings for Javi were going so much more beyond the physical attraction, though. It was only a part of something much more complex and deep, rooted deep inside of Yuzuru’s chest, sometimes making him feel like he was going to suffocate. 

He felt so, so much.

But in the end, it didn’t matter. 

It didn’t matter, because Javi wanted someone else. 

It was reality, harsh but simple, and so obvious Yuzuru never fooled himself, really. He never hoped for more, but it didn’t stop him from dreaming, from torturing himself with countless scenarios of  _ what ifs _ and  _ maybes _ . 

_ Falling asleep next to you _

_ Oh, with my dreams next to you _

_ Falling asleep next to you _

_ It should have been me next to you _

Yuzuru’s eyes burned, hot tears gathering in the corners and running down his cheeks before disappearing in the pillow, the quiet companion of his misery, always ready to muffle his cries and pleas, prayers for something that would never happen. 

_ It should have been me sleeping next to you _

**Author's Note:**

> Yes? A no no? Don't hesitate to let me know what you think, and thank you so much for reading!


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